Belichick Yourself Before You Wrick Yourself

Let me paint a picture for you: You're a guy. You're in a bar... nay a tavern. There's a very attractive girl across the room. She's a little vixen. You overhear this saucepot say to her friend, publicly in front of everyone, that she will go home with the next guy who buys her a drink.

She certainly didn't intend for any dudes to hear this, otherwise she might as well have stood up on a bar stool, removed her clothes and held up a sign that said "free snatch." Nonetheless, is it morally reprehensible to use this information to your advantage, sidle up to the hussy, wave at the bartender and order a Flirtini on the rocks with TWO straws??? Keep in mind that you weren't spying on this girl. You didn't read her private diary. There was no subterfuge involved in OBTAINING this beneficial information.

Where am I going with this hypothetical plot line you ask? Well, I just finished up Greg Easterbook's obscenely off-base article on ESPN.com's Page 2. I'm absolutely soaked in outrage sauce and feel the need to vent. That "ish" just pushed me over the edge. It may seem a bit silly, but I liken this barroom scenario to the Bill Belichick "Spygate," "Cameragate," or whatever other silly and uncreative names the bloodthirsty members of the media are calling it these days. Before you get all bent out of shape over the absurdity of this comparison, keep in mind that I realize this is not a bulletproof analogy- there are many flaws, but I simply wanted to use this as a jump-off point... something to grab your attention with.

Belichick wasn't sending spies into the ladies room (the Jets locker room), he wasn't stealing playbooks... and while we're on the topic of stealing, he wasn't even STEALING signals, which is how many people are referring to his indiscretion. Let's define stealing: "wrongful taking of someone else's property without that person's willful consent." Are signals property? Even if they are, they certainly weren't TAKEN. They are out in the open in the middle of the football field for all 75,000+ people in attendance to see. Belichick was simply recording them for later analysis.

Similar to the barroom situation, there was nothing wrong with how Belichick OBTAINED the information- it was his method of RETENTION that was illegal. Most teams have people in the coaches' booth with binoculars watching signals and taking notes. Some take still photographs. Regardless of how they do it, just about every NFL team accomplishes the same goal through different means - and I sincerely doubt he's even the first to use this method. Belichick may be a football genius, but he's certainly not a technological innovator. Steve Jobs, he is not.

How am I so confidant that Bill's not the only one analyzing signs? Because just about every current NFL coach has yet to comment on the issue. All former coaches I've heard have actually defended Belichick alluding to the fact that intercepting and analyzing signals is NOT illegal. Why do you think the Jets are using FOUR coaches to send in game signals (I couldn't find the footage of this, but if you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about)?? Because three of the coaches are sending dummy signals. Intercepting signals is as much a part of the No-Fun-League (not to be confused with the More-Taste-League) as smack-talk, stiff-arms and pre-game huddles.

As a matter fact, even Brian Billick, who doesn't seem to be on the best of terms with Belichick, appeared to stand up for for Billy the week after Mangini demanded the league investigation. He claimed that the Jets were illegally simulating the snap to draw the Ravens offside. Isn't that the definition of a false start? Am I missing something? It seems to me that Mr. Billick is going through the motions of making silly allegations to prove a point to Mangina. You don't rat out a member of the coaching frat. First rule of signal stealing club- you do not talk about signal stealing club. This chicanery is even confirmed by an anonymous NFC assistant coach. "I'm sure he's sending a message to Mangini: 'Everybody knows you were part of that (in New England), and it's not right that you ratted out the team that gave you a chance to get a head job.'" In my head, I imagine the quotee goes on to exclaim "God Mangini, you are such a fat fucking vagina."

After all of that, let me make clear that I'm not defending Belichick - I'm just trying to remove this sense of outrage and scandal from the whole issue. Old Billy Goat Gruff screwed up. He made a mistake, which he has admitted to and accepted the consequences for. He was simply cutting corners to accomplish what every other organization in the NFL does- observe and interpret signals. The use of cameras IS illegal; he broke the rules and he was punished. Maybe in the bar scenario this punishment would be the nasty case of chlamydia you contract from the one-drink-sperm dumpster.

The story should end here. If you break the rules on the field (which is where this whole indiscretion took place) by dishing out a chop block, illegally holding a defender or committing pass interference, a flag is thrown, a penalty is incurred and the game goes on. However, certain members of the media like Suzy Kolber and/or Michelle Tafoya (whichever one was covering the Pats/Chargers game on Sunday night... I get those two worthless hot air balloons confused all the time) - who went on a 20 minute mid-game rant, impeding coverage of the game going on in the background that we all tuned in to watch - have got their pointy manicured talons lodged deep into the story and they just won't let it go.

There was a very interesting story in the most recent issue of GQ (that's Gentleman's Quarterly for all you plebes out there) about the dumbing down and loss of integrity in the media these days, and the effect it's having on society by incorrectly shaping people's opinions and removing individual thought. The article revolves mostly around local news, 24 hour news stations and has national and political issues in mind, but I think the Belichick-gate "scandal" proves the author's point perfectly. The sports media is standing on a soapbox with a megaphone, telling everyone what an outrage this is, when really the only outrage is the goddamn megaphone blaring in our ears.

People are digging too far into this. For an example, look no further than the previously mentioned ludicrous article by Greg Easterbrook. The article brandished a sinister picture of a dark and stormy sky with Belichick standing in the foreground. He calls for the Patriots coach to be fired, banned from the NFL and slaughtered like a pig... okay not slaughtered. Mr. Easterbrook crafts a perfect example of a media member taking a recent news story, turning it into a disaster of epic proportions and slapping his name on the top, simply for a little publicity and recognition. I almost wish I hadn't just linked the article to this blog, but I needed you all to see just how silly it is. He compares Belichick to Michael Vick. Vick killed dogs with his bare hands. The only similarity I can see is the last three letters of their surname. Ick. Sir Gavin Walsh even informed me that Easterbrook defended Vick in a previous article... maybe he just hates puppies.

Were rules broken? Sure. Is it unfortunate? Hell yes. Does it tarnish the Patriots' past victories and put an asterisk next to their records and their SuperBowls? Umm... have you been using lead-based aftershave???? Even if you understand the opposing team's signals, it doesn't guarantee you a victory! When you break down the issue, it gives you a small edge if you interpret the signals correctly. If you screw up, you're gonna get burned badly. It's not like when you play Madden and you watch what play your opponent is picking. This is the NFL - it's a lot more complex than that. You still need to execute.

When it's all said and done, I'm really glad that the team is responding so well and that they have continued to execute. We can all agree that there was no video taping necessary for the Pats to step in and absolutely dismantle the Chargers, the same team that many analysts have been referring to as the most talented in football. I think it was Roosevelt Colvin that pointed out this is not a team you want to wave a red flag in front of. They're a seasoned and motivated team and they really don't need any further incentive to win games. I've also heard Junior Seau and Tedy Bruschi comparing the situation to an attack on a family member. I don't know about you, but I would never fuck with an NFL player's family. Don't tickle a sleeping giant on the balls lest you're willing to deal with the consequences- a giant dick on your head.

"For everything we know, the Patriots didn't do any cheating to assemble their roster, which is easily the best and most versatile they have ever had. The real steal is how Belichick and vice president of player personnel Scott Pioli have brought all these great players together at the same time." So while I'm disappointed that the national media has drawn this out so much, I'll gladly watch this group of super-talented football players feed off of the emotion and convert it into a winning season like Barry Bonds converting steroid cocktails into tape measure homeruns.