A League of Extraordinarily Depressed Gentlemen (AKA: A Series of Unfortunate Series)

The 2007 National League of baseball was an absolute shit show. This blog is not to belittle the accomplishments or events that were performed in the AL this year, specifically the Boston Red Sox impressive come from behind run for their second world series win in four years. However, I felt driven to lay down the sob story that was the 2007 NL before the books are closed for the holidays and forgotten by next year’s season or any other sports event before then.

The most interesting teams of promise and resolve arose in the National League this season. There were many a great baseball story like the Milwaukee Brewers dominance throughout much of the first half of the season with scarcely any “stars”, the Mets v. Phillies heated rivalry, and the battle of surprisingly consistent teams of potential and skill out west. These teams included literally almost everyone in the division, from the Dodgers to the Padres to the two teams that ended up MAKING it to the NLCS, in the Rockies and D-backs. The only team that DIDN’T get in on the mix was the San Francisco Barry Bonds’ who had one night of notice when the most infamous curmudgeonly cheater who plays 50 games a year “broke” the all-time homerun record for career jacks. He valiantly raised his arms in the air before the ball snuck over the wall for a homerun, keeping his “me before anything else in the stadium” style consistent ‘til the end. Young players like Matt Holliday, Ryan Howard, and Prince Fielder lit up the diamond with impressive jomers and Ribeye steaks. A little elf with a miner’s helmet two sizes too big collected the 3000^th hit of his career, a man named Jake Peavy, who has proven that pitchers can still be pimps no matter how uneasy it may be, accomplished the rare pitching triple crown in the NL, and a swaggering, hardnosed, sexy young stud who goes by the name of J-roll ripped up the league in so many hitting categories I lost count, and stellar defense to boot. Yes, things were looking promising. Things were looking fresh. But it was all a big joke. The punchline? The 2007 NL postseason.

The Mets lead the NL East by 7 games with 17 left to play. They blew it. The Milwaukee Brewers, who were 5 games up at the all-star break and 11 games over .500, were still tied for first with two weeks left to play. They blew it. The St. Louis Cardinals, who won the World Series last year and were the heavy favorite for the NL central, never really had a shot at the postseason all year. The San Diego Padres, who lead the NL wildcard in a very VERY crowded race throughout the entire month of September, had a chance to clinch their playoff spot with a Rockies loss with three games left to play, or ONE WIN with two left to play, or ONE MORE STRIKE against the spoiler, an ironic Tony Gwynn Jr., and saw it all washed away, forced to play a one-game playoff AT Colorado. These Padres took an 8-6 lead into the bottom of the 13^th with the most prolific closer in the history of the game taking the mound, only to see the Colorado Rockies hit in 3 runs almost effortlessly and steal their playoff spot on the DAY AFTER the last day of the season. They blew it.

But arising from the ashes of these awful outcomes and choke-jobs, were teams of PROMISE. Two very young franchises and two of the oldest team names in baseball history, all fighting for some VERY rarely seen playoff glory. My own wonderful Philadelphia Phillies, winning the last 8 straight games against their fierce rival, the New York Mets, and fighting tooth and nail to secure their first divisional championship in 14 years on the very last pitch of the season, were to face these wonderkids from the Rocky mountains. A team that was 6 games out of first place in the NL west on September 17^th, fourth place in both the division AND wildcard race, and one loss away from elimination for the last four games of the season. Philadelphia was ALIVE with Phillies fever, finally feeling the happiness of postseason hopes, dreams, and excitement. It was set up to be a pretty good playoff series. It wasn’t. The Rockies promptly swept the all-of-a-sudden lifeless, jaded Phillies out of the playoffs as quickly as they entered. An identical turn of events happened in Chicago, where the city who has been dying to see their beloved, historical, diehard, 2007 divisional champs finally take them back to the World Series, was embarrassingly upended by the team with the greatest record in the NL regular season: the Arizona Diamondbacks. The Cubs were promptly swept out of the playoffs before Bill Murray’s last hair hit the ground.

And so it was. The single worst NLCS in baseball history. Two teams that had a collective 25 years under their skinny franchise belt, including one team that had only been to the postseason ONE time ever, were set to square off and see which team would be the (gulp) national league representative in the World Series. Well, as the great Pappy O’Daniels put it, there ain’t no competition there. The wild-card “wtf” surprise of the season team beat the best record in the NL team by promptly sweeping them out of the NLCS in four games. Just like THAT, the Diamondbacks were a team you forgot ever made the playoffs, the Colorado Rockies were going to their first World Series ever, and had the most amount of time to wait and prepare for game 1 POSSIBLE. Whadya think happened? That’s right, you bold and devoted sports fans. The Colorado Rockies, the team that had overcome seemingly an exhaustive series of odds, won 14 out of their last 15 regular season games and 10 straight through the playoffs……were promptly swept out of the World Series in four games.

And that’s the ultimate story of the National League this year folks. One amazing series of heartbreak and underperformance after another. I can’t imagine there’s ever been anything like it. Teams like the Mets and Dodgers and Padres and Brewers completely ruining their chances at success before the playoffs can even begin. THEN, FOUR STRAIGHT series in which the losing team was very shamefully swept and left wallowing in their own crapulence after having extraordinarily high hopes for glory. It was a pitiful state of affairs and I hope I never see it again. The only happy National League player in baseball today is a man named Barry Bonds. A man with no team. A man who doesn’t need anything else except to add to his own personal glory. But no NL team will take him now. He’s too old. His tits are too big. I suppose he’ll want to head on over to the American League. It’s more exciting over there anyway.