ATTENTION EVERYONE! PLEASE REMAIN CALM! I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

In the spirit of those deeply disturbing Canadian Public Service announcements about "being careful," (doesn't that seem really generic? do they have a clumsy epidemic up north that I don't know about?) I've decided to take a few seconds to live up to the name of the blog and offer an honest male perspective on a timely topic in the form of a PSA.

Recently I discovered, much to my chagrin that not many people know about the power of white pants. The white pants phenomenon, or WPP (yeah you know me) is a powerful tool and can be dangerous if used carelessly or if it falls into the wrong hands. I feel it's important to arm the general public with this information because if used properly white pants could even be capable of ending wars and bringing together the entire human race. White pants make decent looking girls look downright hot. They make plain Jane's look decent and they make hot girls downright life threatening - on par with the Zodiac Killer, a sniper rifle, Scorpion from Mortal Kombat and a Corey Dillon stiff-arm on the deadly scale.

What causes this?? My esteemed Chief Research Assistant on the matter, Eli Mofo has done a little digging, involving interviewing some women to discover just what it is that makes these garments so powerful. From one interview, he discovered that, "...white fattens the ass and black slims, but she's a dumb ho, what does she know anyway?" Shocking. Who knew that the color of pants could change the fatness of an ass??? Simply astounding.

Through extensive trial-based research the phenomenon has been reduced to a simple mathematical formula : X +2 = Y, where x is the pre-white pants numerical hotness value and Y is the post-white pants value. So let's say you have a 4 who puts on some white pants. You now have a 6 on your hands. The increase in value is only valid for the duration of the white pants wearing. On a scale of 1-10, a two point increase is DRASTIC.

"HOT DAYUMMMMM! That is one hot set of disembodies legs."

So what as males can we do to defend ourselves against this misleading phenomenon? Nothing. We're simply defenseless. Luckily for us, we have two saving grace's. First, white pants typically only come out in the summertime when our hormonal levels are adjusted to seeing more skin and tighter clothes, leaving us better equipped to do battle. Second, the WPP does have it's limits. It stops working on values below 4. In fact, they have a reverse effect on 3's and below, so a 2 in WPP terms would actually be a 0 and a 1 would be a negative 1. Even white pants can only do SO much... we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief.
So be warned everyone... watch out for those white pants. If we have each others' backs on this, we may be able to prevent unnecessary wifing and baby mama drama.